This episode is approximately 25 minutes long. And 17 of those minutes consist of Carrie moping around, telling anyone who’ll listen—Miranda at a nail salon, Samantha at yoga and Charlotte at dinner—that she farted in front of Big. She even goes as far as redecorating her kitchen for distraction—concerned that the fart’s the reason they haven’t slept together for the last three nights. Worrying about the lack of intimacy, Carrie asks the question—how often is normal?
On the first day of our road trip around Canada, I put a baby wipe down the RV toilet.
If you’re new to RVs and campervans, it’s important to note that the toilet requires regular emptying. This tends to happen when you arrive at a campsite by attaching a large tube from the van to a disposal facility—which is usually just a hole in the ground—and let suction do its thing. Except if you put a baby wipe down there, the whole system gets blocked.
As soon as it left my hand, I knew. But decided it was too late and twisted the lever to flush anyway. Later that evening, we plugged ourselves into the electrics and began the inaugural toilet emptying.
“It’s not working. Nothing’s coming out,” he said.
“Have you attached the right ends to the right ports like the guy at the shop said?”
He ignored me.
“Maybe there isn’t anything in the toilet?” I suggested.
“There is,” he said. “It’s as if something’s stuck in there.”
A couple of episodes ago, we worked out Carrie’s attachment style. And in this episode, it’s out of control—sometimes hard to watch. Like when she turns up at Big’s apartment unannounced, trying to seduce him. He’s watching a boxing match on TV, and she’s rolling around on the sofa next to him, pecking at him like a baby bird. No pun intended, but Big—as usual—is giving Rhett Butler energy in Gone With The Wind:
And then finally, after storming out of Big’s for not getting the attention she needs—it’s minute 18 and Miranda’s saying what we’re all thinking. “Jesus, Carrie! That's it. I've heard enough about the fart.”
“You should see me around him,” Carrie goes on to tell her. “I'm not like me. I'm like together Carrie. I wear little outfits—sexy Carrie and casual Carrie. Sometimes I catch myself actually posing. It's exhausting.”
Eventually, I confessed about the baby wipe, endured a lecture about toilet systems and the environment, and took myself to the camping shop to purchase a multipack of latex gloves.
For the next few weeks, we battled with constant blockages that seemed to only get worse, taking it in turns to manually remove whatever was stuck in the tube that day, willing the baby wipe to disintegrate before dropping the van back at the hire shop so we’d still get our full deposit back.
We pulled up on the side of the road to stop for lunch one day and a baby elk walked right up to our van window. I was beside myself with excitement. I snapped a photo just as she stuck her tongue out and said, “Oh my god, I just took my new favourite photo!” I fed her carrots and patted her nose. I told her I was jealous of her eyelashes and after ten minutes or so, she left. I showed him the photo with her tongue out and sent it to him on WhatsApp. I told him I was going to print and frame it once we got home, to remember how special that moment was.
He rolled his eyes and blew a huff of air out his nose. I hated how that made me feel.
I went to the camping shop once we arrived back at the site and spotted a book about elk at the counter. The photo on the front looked just like the deer that had shared lunch with us, so I bought a copy and sat at the lake to read it.
According to the Shawnee Tribe—the book read—elk are associated with love and music and are believed to have created the first flute. The legend tells of a boy who is too shy to express his feelings to the girl he loves. In a dream, two elk men visit him and gift him a flute. The boy then masters the instrument, allowing him to convey his emotions to the girl he loves through music.
Men are out here learning instruments to convey their emotions? And here I am, loving one who feels indifferent towards me.
In my case, this was because of another woman. By our third date, I’d already picked up on the excessive texting between them—and asked him what the deal was. He told me she was a close friend whom he loved dearly and more importantly, platonically. However, it was always me left feeling like the other woman, questioning how often is normal every time he took her out for dinner or whenever his phone vibrated with a new message.
She was so present in his life, that his Auntie often confused us. She’d call me her name no matter how many times I corrected her, and once at a family BBQ, she asked me how my ballet was going. I didn’t practice ballet, she did.
Two months before our trip to Canada, I found out he had lied—they did in fact share a long and complicated history. The lie left me so distraught, that he packed his bags and went to stay in a hotel down the road for a couple of nights until I’d pulled myself together. After 48 hours of silence, he finally text to say he would come back if I promised not to bring her up again. I replied saying I promise.
I hated not being allowed to voice my insecurities. I hated having to articulate why it was important for him to love and prioritise me. I hated feeling jealous, silently battling with a stranger for his love. And I hated needing more from him, beyond what he gave me.
I felt like a walking cliché of an insecure woman straight out of a TV show.
Carries confession to Miranda is our first insight into her true feelings about her relationship with Big since the show started. We suddenly witness her head no longer in the clouds and her glasses no longer rose-tinted. She admits that because of Big, she’s taught herself to survive on less. Her wants and needs don’t matter, leaving her feeling unloveable and unworthy. And where we should feel notions of understanding and relatability, the writers have instead portrayed Carrie in this episode as erratic and annoying. Big’s annoyed, Miranda’s annoyed, even me—a woman who understands the desperation in loving a man who feels indifferent towards you—is annoyed!
How annoying we are—us women who want to be loved.
I stayed at the lake until sunset, before making my way back to the van. It was his turn to do the unblocking that night. I watched him put on a fresh pair of gloves, stretching the latex as far up his wrist as he could until it made a small snapping sound. He gave me a salute and headed outside.
His phone—next to me on the table—vibrated and caught my attention. I wasn’t usually left alone with it.
I gave in to temptation and tapped his screen, unsurprised to see her name. I briefly imagined a scenario where I push his phone away and go back to reading about elks. But unlocking it and reading their conversation was inevitable. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was a breach of privacy. But I also knew—since date number three—that I was ultimately sharing him with someone else. My heart rate picked up a few paces and my breath became shallow. I unlocked his phone and opened their conversation.
Heart sinking, I saw he’d sent her the photo of the baby deer.
“Look... it’s you!” He’d said.
“Awwww, it IS me!” She’d replied.
Even though she was three thousand, six hundred miles and the Atlantic Ocean away, it was their memory now. His phone vibrated in my hand as a new message from her came through.
“Giving u a big fat sloppy kiss!! xx”
I put his phone down and sat in silence, wondering why we stay in relationships where we feel so undervalued, clinging to the hope that things will improve, that we might be the ones to change them. The weight of self-doubt keeping us tethered. We’re told we’re too much, that we need thicker skin, and like Carrie—that we’re annoying. I don’t care if I am, I thought, I know I deserve more than this.
I looked out the window and watched him pulling shit out the side of the van with his hands, feeling much less guilty about the baby wipe. It was then that I decided she could have him.
Great read. Absolutely gutted when I got to the picture part, what a sinking feeling that must've been. Sending you love :)
Best one yet